Today is the day where the truth unfolds and true healing begins. A story that could never truly be replicated. But may in return help the other physical and/or sexual abuse survivors out there who may feel as hopeless as I once did, relate and find peace. It has been said that the more openly you can discuss your trauma, the less power it holds. That is what I wish for us all . To conjur the strength and courage to overcome.
My name is Tambara. I was born in Maine September 7th 1992. My brothers name is Michael and he was born in Georgia on June 13th, the previous year. In the first years of his life he was diagnosed with quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy. The greater part of my childhood was dedicated to making him feel as comfortable and safe as possible. We were as close as siblings could possibly get. My father’s name was Douglas. Although he was a hard worker, charmer and friend; he was more importantly an alcoholic and a predator. My mother’s name is Carolann. She was always my best friend and confidant. However, as time passed, we became strangers. Present day we have reunited and i’m continuously learning who she was and is. I’m confident she is attempting to do the same. I refer to Douglas as a ‘was,’ because although he may still be breathing, he is dead to me.
I’ll explain that if you met our family, we would look just like any other at first glance. I have supressed most of those times. But what I remember vividly is tragedy, torture and world class manipulation. It wasn’t every day, but a majority of the time. The rest of our days were spent trying to create as much of a normal childhood as possible. On the days he didn’t drink, it was as if he’d completely snap out of being the monster that he was. Those transitions fucked with my psyche more than I’ll ever be able to explain.
My mother worked second shift so she didn’t get home until late most days. I wished so much that she was there. But in all reality even when she was around, she never really could stop him. Doug worked first shift as a plumber but was also working after-hours with a life-long friend building houses on the side. Those were the nights my brother and I cherished.
Today, I’ve learned to manage my anxieties. However, I still struggle to focus and be vulnerable. For years I even questioned if I had ADD or ADHD. Now that I’m older and understand my PTSD, I understand how ‘normal’ the Fight or Flight response is. Somehow no one is ever educated on the ‘Freeze’ factor. – that becomes important later.
In addition to learning how to maintain a healthy relationship with my life partner, I am a mom now. I believe that has lead me onto this path to share my story. And I sincerely hope that there WILL be hope for our future generations to not only find help, but to seek it. Although it is completely out of our control, there is so much shame in abuse. For reasons I may never comprehend.
The blogs that follow will hopefully be a complete story including, but not limited to addiction, sexual encounters, the possible struggles of social interactions, relationships, and the discovery of a better life.
Thank you for following me and my journey. 🙃